Notations: from back then to babybrain and beyond

My mum always seems to be one of those women who’s in control of her perfectly clean and organised lives, but I see now it’s such a face… I hear her on the phone, sadness in her voice, wine in her hand. Maybe that’s where I learnt the comfort of alcohol?

I know she isnt all hard. But it takes a lot for her to crack. I have seen her cry, watched her sob and fall to the ground. We have felt pain of loss and grief. Disbelief and shame. I know she has stayed in a dark place for a while over the years. I have seen a darkness evolve and consume her for most of my life. But she can be stronger than it.

I get frustrated at her tears. Angry at the source of her pain. Me, my brother and sister, dad, god. Life. Whatever. Anger is something that clearly stems from somewhere in me I fail to recognise. Is it just a cover for something else? I never thought I was an angry person till I found myself yelling and swearing at a priest with overwhelming grief and confusion. (tbc)

I’m not the perfectionist she is, everything has a place and if it’s out of place by an inch, she knows it. It did make growing up a little tense but sadly, or not, it didn’t rub off onto me and I’m still criticized for dust, cobwebs and unmade beds!

We lived and slept with doors open, no secrets. But there has always been things that I kept from her. She never knew, still doesn’t as far as I believe, about my self harm (razor blades, sex, alcohol? It was all just to hurt myself. Numb myself. I don’t know. Shhh tangent)

I never intended to be deceitful, but rather wanted to protect her. Knowing what drugs, violence and jail had done to my brother and how it had effected her, I needed to be better than that for her. I needed to be better than that for us.

We have always been close, best friends even. Just with a few spanners in the works (and giant tools for boyfriends )

I almost hope it will be similar to the relationship between my daughters and I. Maybe with better lines of communication and a lot less drama and a lot more hugs..

I remember going home from school at 16, getting to the front door with the weight of the world on my shoulders. I needed her to take it away. To hug me and say everything would be ok. I had just found out one of my best, most beautiful and amazing friends had cancer. It scared me more than anything had at that point.. I just needed to be a kid again. Like a graze on my knee, kiss it, bandage it, make it go away.

I know I broke her heart a million dozen times, but we always recovered from hurtful letters, words, missed birthdays, unspoken angst. Generally it was just easy to pretend everything was fine and just move forward.. It’s strange reflecting on the years since I moved out of home.

I remember watching her cry, driving off as I moved away for uni, and it was only a few hours away! I was adamant on moving to Melbourne, another state, and studying creative arts. I had a dream of being free, reinventing myself and my life. Living adventures with amazing people then happily ever after like “the secret life of us” or some Aussie drama. But my focus was never that great. My teachers said “She is easily distracted”my grades in the end proved that. High school and uni… I will get there one day.

The past few years have seen a total shift in the relationship between mum and I. From when I was living with and dating C, I created a massive hole in me as well as my connections to the world, especially my friends and family.

Samuel, my eldest nephew died aged 11, in the november before I met C. I can’t say if it was either or both of those factors that sent me into a selfish not-caring spiral. I took all sorts of risks that weren’t a part of me. I left uni and came back to Hobart, my self harming spiked again. blades for my skin. Pills and weed and booze for my brain. I was a fuzzy mess.

I think mum knew that I wasn’t good. We fought if we spoke, which was hardly ever, and I avoided seeing my family as if my life depended on it.

I don’t know when the change happened. Maybe it was Ben? Maybe it was becoming mum? Either way I am very grateful. .

I know we still disagree and she still drives me crazy. But she is my mum, and I love her.

To be continued… I’m falling asleep!

#random #rant #mum #past #wheredidthiscomefrom #spillingmyguts #buttheresalwaysmore #midnightramble #isthereaperfecthoisewife

Smoked salmon and asparagus pizza 🍴 (Taken with instagram)

Taken with instagram

Taken with instagram

Wonder what daddy thinks of the couch? We are pretty snug in here! (Taken with instagram)

My toddler made me cry. That’s the sort of day it’s been. I just want to take my headache to bed and (for a change) wake up refreshed instead of exhausted.

Taken with instagram

Love this kid!

Taken with instagram